62 jokes for 62 miles...

As we all enter the final preparations for the big event in a couple of weeks time, I just thought that I'd supply a joke (?) for each mile of the walk in preparation: -

To be on the safe side, if you ever been offended by anything, then please don't read, but for everyone else - enjoy!

1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
8. So what's the speed of dark?
9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £3.95 per minute.
18. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
21. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be two times as cold tomorrow, won't it just be zero again?
24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me.
35. Do fish get cramps after eating?
36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Congress?
45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
57. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
62. If you're sacked from working on the dodgems, is that funfair dismissal?

As sweet as honey? I think not!

I may be under the misapprehension that the following two points are true statements:

1. Nectar is 'sweet', and
2. The purpose of direct marketing is to sell customers products that they need and WANT!

Back in March I wrote an article explaining that the reason why a significant proportion of entrants do not finish Trailwalker UK each year, was not due to a lack of fitness, motivation or effort, but something far more sinister. The posting can be found at the following link:

http://bit.ly/mThIif

Now, I am not suggesting that I believe in conspiracy theories and would strongly deny that I am paranoid (My doctor does actually think that I am paranoid! Not that he's actually told me to my face, but I know that he's thinking it!) but I believe that somebody is watching me.

It started when a certain person fairly close to me suggested that I might not be able to get into my 'large' Trailwalker T-shirt. Since then, despite eating 'virtually' nothing (but 'actually' quite a lot) my weight has not reduced an ounce!

So Imogen my pleasure, when... (Apologies, that sentence is still subject to a super injunction, so please ignore)

So imagine my pleasure (not!) when this morning I received an email from the, not so sweet, Nectar folks, which said..."Make your points balance grow this June with great offers selected for you".

So far so good! I wonder what the top item on their 'selected' and 'personal' list might be?

"1,500 points when you join Sainsbury's Diets!"

Thank you so much!

A day of mixed emotions

Today is one month before the start of of Trailwalker UK!

In project management, what one might call a 'key milestone'! Although how "key" a one milestone can be, when you hope to pass Sixty Two "milestones" during the event itself, I don't really know.

Whether we are actually physically ready or not is hard to say.

We've done a number of training walks that have got longer and longer; The soles of my feet no longer resemble those of Michael Gambon in 'The Singing Detective'; We've raised over £3,750 (and will no try to get close to £5,000) and we're still talking to each other.

So all in all, we're as ready as we can be! As far as emotions are concerned, nervously excited would probably sum it up.

However, this positive feeling was offset by an article that I have just seen from yesterday's Metro. The article, headed "I'd like to dedicate this to my patients", was about the 15th annual Webby Awards - the so-called Oscars of the Internet.

So far so good. However towards then end of the article there appeared reference to a certain Martin Cooper, aged 82, who was pictured holding a mobile phone the size of cricket bat.

The article then used these words to describe Mr Cooper's achievements:

"Martin Cooper, who invented the mobile phone, posed with his 1973 prototype as he picked up the special recognition award. 'Can you hear me now?' said the 82-year old as he collected his prize.

Well Mr Cooper I can hear you, and you may soon be hearing from my lawyers!

I present below 'Article A'.

Article A was sent to me in 1970, when I was aged only 9!

Article A is a letter which clearly demonstrates that I had come up with a better concept at least three whole years before Mr Cooper's award winning invention.

It is almost inconceivable that any court in the land would not accept that the idea which I sent to children's author E. W. Hildick in 1969, of a "television screen fitted into a walkie- talkie", as being anything other than the initial concept of the "smartphone".

So having missed the opportunity to take a super-injunction out on the Metro and Mr Cooper (who for the record, and for legal reasons, I am sure was innocent of my preceding invention) I am left with the sadness of what might have been!

Those of you who are less forgiving may wonder why a 50-year old man still has a letter from a children's author received over 40 years ago, but all that I would say is that I have made a habit throughout my life of keeping all of my achievements in a special box.

I hope one day to be able to put a second item in the box but, for the time being, until I find my Blue Peter badge, this letter will have to be it.

Now, how sad is that?

All is not always what it seems...

The Adoration of the Mystic Lamb

During a short break to Belgium last week, we spent a day in Ghent, and whilst there paid a visit to Ghent Cathedral to see the 'acclaimed' altarpiece - 'The Adoration of the Mystic Lamb'.

As anyone who knows their polyptychs from their tryptychs (or from their elbow for that matter!) this 'polyptych' consists of a total of 24 compartmented scenes, which make up two views, open and closed, which are changed by moving the hinged outer wings. 

This masterpiece (shown above) was housed in a small room at the front of the Cathedral for which we were required to pay €4 entry fee, only to find the room crammed with about 40 people all of whom seemed to be taking a call on their mobiles phones.

I tried to get a better view of the painting, which looked good, but was difficult to see, and I was considering moving on when I was handed one of the aforementioned "mobile phones". 

Obviously (to you maybe) it wasn't a phone at all but an audio device which explained in detail the construct and meaning of the painting in front of me.

I had initially looked at the painting, but I hadn't seen what it contained until it was explained to me, and then I saw and properly appreciated the amazing detail that it contained.

All too often we look, but don't actually see; or listen, but don't actually hear.

Towards the end of our last training walk on the South Downs, I was certainly in this 'mode'. Walking head down, concentrating on putting in the miles, but not appreciating everything that was around me.

In just over a month's time it will be a shame if the overwhelming concentration is on blisters; aching limbs; chafing or sleep deprivation. 

All of these things will be features of the event, but we all need to "see" not only the wonderful scenery that will surround us, but also the good that a few thousand people can do for so many more fellow citizens of this planet.

And when, as you cross the finish line having completed the 100km walk, you hear the strains of M People's song playing in the background; when you hear Heather Small sing:

"What have you done today to make you feel proud?"

You, my friends, will know!

My two new best friends

It is possibly not so unusual - when your life starts to revolve around when, where and for how long you are going to walk each week-end - for one to be somewhat pre-occupied with feet and footwear!

I have, when walking the South Downs Way in stages, worn training shoes and not suffered too much.

Conversely, I have walked the Downs Link in the same type of shoes, and cut my feet to shreds, quite literally.

Now my feet are somewhat wide ('G' width fitting), and when buying new shoes have often found the shoe-box a far better fit that the shoes themselves. In addition I seem to have prominent ankle bones.

So, to date I have had some difficulty in "breaking in" my new boots, which has resulted in my feet being "broken in" rather than the boots!

So having undertaken much research on the 'inter-web', stretched my "new" boots within an inch of their lives, it was with some trepidation that I put them on last Saturday with a 50km walk ahead of me.

Well the boots, and my feet survived the 50km well, and a further 25km the next day, until I changed into trainers for the final 15km.

So I have a pair of new "friends", and whilst I still have some work to do on them, I know that they can protect my feet in July.

Mission Possible? - The Second Day of our Seventh Training Walk

Having already walked 50km the previous day, I can't say that I leapt out of bed, but I was surprised how well I felt as I got ready for our 8.30am start.

Clearly we all knew that we were not replicating the challenge that will face us on the actual event.

However quickly we walk on the day we will not be able to have a thirteen and a half hour break and still achieve the distance within 30 hours!

However, as we stood at the base of the hill at Washington, with 40+ km ahead of us today, had the clock still been running we'd have another six and a half hours to complete the distance - even though we knew that today - on our training walk - we would be walking for another 9 - 10 hours.

One of the things that we did learn this weekend was that this is not just a physical challenge. The mind is important too, and it is important to break the walk into as many small stages as you can.
Thinking of the total distance, can be self-defeating. Setting visible landmarks to walk to, rather than thinking that "...it's a very long way left to go" can help to overcome any negative thoughts as to the enormity of the challenge.

So Pete, Matt & I set off at 8:30am knowing that we  weren't due to see our support team - today comprised of Teresa and Isobel - for another 5 hours!

Rain clouds over Chanctonbury Hill?

Initially, the going wasn't too bad. Even the initial climb up Chanctonbury Hill was OK! But rain was forecast for today and the sky was dark and ominous! Actually, the sky wasn't quite as dark and ominous as it appeared to me as I was, as always, wearing sunglasses!

However, despite some ridicule from No.1 son (ie Matt) about me looking like Roy Orbison, as far as I was concerned they had repelled the rain so far on our walks, so I wasn't going to take them off now.

Poppies!

We walked on, and on, and on.

As we walked into Botolphs, we met the 'Hamstrung Heroes' team who were starting a 30km walk from there.

The long climb after Botolphs with the journey travelled in the distance

Whilst initially managing to keep ahead of them, despite our tiring limbs, they eventually passed us at Devils Dyke, as we stopped for Pete to undertake some minor foot repairs.

The further we walked, the harder the wind gusted. We were literally blown sideways on many occasions which made the walk all the more difficult.

On previous walks I may have documented that there aren't too many hills on the second half of the walk.

Not true! Well, what I mean is that the more tired you get, the steeper the hills seem.

At around 1:45pm we reached our rendezvous point at the Jack & Jill windmills.

It is fair to say that we weren't at our happiest. Despite this our "wonderful" support duo, Teresa & Isobel, ran around ensuring that we had food, drink, fresh socks etc. We had only been walking for just over 5 hours, but we were cold, windswept, a bit miserable and hungry.

As we rested our spirits improved, but we did stay too long here, nearly an hour, something that we won't really be able to do in July.

So at 2:40pm we set of on the last leg of our walk today, the 14km or so to Lewes.

As the Hollies once sang:

"The road is long,
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows where"

Actually, whilst long, this section doesn't actually have enough winding turns, it just goes on, and on, and on.

We had no problem navigating any section of this route, having previously walked all stages in previous walks, although what it will be like in the dark we will have to wait until our next walk to find out.

After a further half an hour of walking, I announced to Matt, that we had "failed". As he pointed out, this wasn't the most "motivational" comment that I'd made this weekend. What I actually meant was that, had it been the real event, our 30 hours would have been up. It being 3:10pm on our second day.

But by this time we had walked 79km, 21km short of the total, including our overnight break! Had we not had the break, we would undoubtedly be suffering from sleep deprivation, but surely we would have been able to have covered the distance in that time!

Grass Watch? Makes train spotting sound almost interesting in comparison!!

 So we carried on to Lewes, arriving there just before 5:30pm. 90km in two days. 10km to go. Tired? Yes. Sore? Yes, a bit, but actually not too bad!

What we did learn though was that this WAS 'Mission Possible'!

Day 2 Stats:
Duration: 9 hours
Distance: 40km
Walking time: 7 hours 50 minutes
Walking speed: 5.1km per hour / 3.2 miles per hour

Total time elapsed from start - 32 hours 20 minutes
Total distance walked - 90km
Total rest taken -  16 hours 20 minutes!!